I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
