dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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