I accidentally burped into my bong.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
