Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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