Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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