I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
