I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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