I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
