He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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