The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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