Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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