Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
