a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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