We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
