I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
