this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
