walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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