I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
