I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
