I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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