I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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