____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
