She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My vagina is officially offended.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
