He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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