Old men and throwing up are my life now.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
