My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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