Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
