drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
