I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
