One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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