Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
well you can't waste a boner
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
