the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
