so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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