I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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