I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
