If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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