Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
