Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
