First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I licked your asshole in confidence.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
