We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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