I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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