You're so nebulous sometimes
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
