I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
