This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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