i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
