Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
it's like iHOP with fire
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
