I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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