You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
