you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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