note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
