you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
