I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
